I'm writing this while cooking the lamb we're going to eat on the 13th. It's been slow cooking for 3 hours and it's like 4am so I'm getting a little delirious - I hope this all makes sense. We've now written so many letters that it's hard to find more ways to describe everything great that you are - or at least hard for me, uninspired with a bad vocabulary. I thought it'd be good to talk about myself a little - and my feelings - and I know you know how much harder that it is for me than for you.
Earlier on in our relationship - I sometimes used to worry if I really loved you, or if I was just fulfilling a role of someone loving someone, if that makes sense. It wasn't about you - I think I had the impression that I was too passionless or weird to truly love anyone - even my family, and my whole life I'd have to fulfill all these roles - son, brother, boyfriend out of some misplaced sense of duty, and not a genuine love, whatever that means.
Part of the reason was something you said which really was true - at the start of any relationship you're obsessed with each other. I think I was really obsessed with you. You were so mature and responsible - and you just knew what to do and what to say and I felt so clumsy (emotionally not physically I'm very balanced and poised.) I really admired you - I thought you could do nothing wrong. This view, I think, stopped me from perceiving you entirely as you are, and just this ideal - someone perfect, who knew everything.
Anytime something you did hurt me, even if it was minor, it was so weird to me - becaause it was so incongruent with this view I'd built up of you in my head.
I don't know when it was - I think a few months ago, I was sitting around thinking, which you know I rarely do. This is going to sound goofy, but I think for the first time, I understood what I'd been doing, and I finally started thinking of you as a normal human being, and not this ideal (I think I'm phrasing that wrong, but I hope you get what I mean.) I understood that of course you, like anyone else, had flaws - but it only served to contextualise everything great you did and you are. It made me appreciate all your strengths - how sweet, how loving you are, how cute your laugh is, how easy it is to love you - because you're just like anyone else, and you're still such a great girlfriend.
This is a little like that meme that says "man does shrooms and discovers empathy", I know - and it's embarassingly a little true for me - but its "man dates Aneilia and discovers empathy". Sometimes I think when I was younger, I was an automaton who only had like 3 emotions - (hungry/thirsty/tired/sad, happy, horny). Getting older - and of course meeting you, it's like I've unlocked 30 new ones and sometimes it confuses and scares me. I don't think I had it in me to get jealous before, or find things cute, or want to keep someone safe and happy like I do with you. Not to be too cliche, but it was like living in black and white before you .
It would mean so much to me if we stayed together for a long time - but even if we don't, I want you to know how grateful I am for you. There are so many little things about you, things you've said - that have fundamentally wormed into my brain and I'll always keep those fondly.
My clothes are in the washing machine right now - my mum used to always tell me you have to put two washing pods to make sure the clothes are properly clean - sometime last year, I think you saw me putting 2 pods into my circuit laundry, and you told me that one pod is more than enough. You were right, as always, and it's dumb shit like this that I think about all the time. Every aspect of my life is now coloured with a little bit of Aneilia - and with my autisticly good memory, I don't know if that'll change for a long time.
Every day I find you more beautiful and I really do love you more. I hope you're having a great day today, and you can feel how much I love you. At the bottom of this page is the first spotify playlist I made for you - I've been listening to it a lot recently. We should make a new one together, so I can listen to it and think of you when we're apart.
You're my favourite, and sorry for the yapping
Rituraj